Self Esteem

I have been feeling pretty good about myself lately. This is huge, because I have had low self esteem for most of my life. The weight loss helps. I am still not skinny, but I look pretty good. And, my health is what's really important. But, that begs the question.....

Why can't I feel good about myself consistently, regardless of my weight, clothes, hair, etc. ?

Why is self esteem such a difficult issue for so many women? Yes, I know....media, stereotypes, etc. However, why do we as women allow ourselves to fall into this trap? Why are we so fast to judge and belittle each other...and worse,ourselves?

Is it lack of support in the home? Is it really all about the media? Is it just something inherent in our psyches? Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.". I feel as if I have spent my life consenting to things I know aren't true. But, I continue to consent.

Sometimes, when my husband has been someplace inappropriate online, I go into a downward spiral. But....that is my choice. His actions don't change who I am. I think I have used that as an excuse to just stop caring. Today, I felt ENORMOUSLY triggered. I had to really struggle to get myself back in a healthy place. So what if he is acting out? Does that negate me as a person? Does that suddenly turn me into a hideous troll? No. And further, his issue is not my issue. My issue is enough of a struggle. I will not fall into old obsessions. I have made too much progress for that.

And so, I feel good about myself today. I can focus on myself today.

During my inner monologue while I was thinking about these issues today, I had an epiphany. I need to address the fact that my husband coming out to me as a CD did trigger an inner negative reaction. I need to acknowledge that one of my fears was, "am I so lacking and unattractive as a woman, that he feels the need to be one?". Now, six months later, I can own that feeling and admit that it was a ridiculous thing to think and feel.

But, isn't it amazing that my self esteem was so low, I was willing to go there?

I hope I am raising my daughters right. I hope that the love and acceptance they get at home helps them from falling into my traps. I pray that my issues haven't already impacted them to the point that they have to struggle as I have.