And They Say Women are Moody

Dh has been cranky all day. I asked him to put on some panties. He didn't. It wasn't until he was asleep that I remembered....today is Sunday. Traditionally, he gets cranky on Sunday. The kids used to count on it. Not sure if that is a bad thing or a good thing. They expect Dad to be irritable on a certain day. Which can either make them feel insecure on that day, waiting for a blowup. Or, when a blowup occurs, do they just chalk it up to Sunday crankiness and forget about it?

Not that there was a blowup today. Just general moodiness. I know there are stresses, and so I try not to get angry in return. But, by the time he went to sleep, my patience was stretched thin. He wanted to share something from the CD forum, and I could not have been less interested. CD'ng wasn't the issue, the CD'r was.

eh.

Just that. eh. Sometimes, one just feels....eh.

So, Why is it Different for Me?

I'm not sure why it is that crossdressing doesn't really bother me. I read about others who struggle with their SO's dressing. But, I don't feel as if there is any struggle. At least not for me. There was an initial shock, when I first found out. I freaked a little. But then I read about it online, and once I had more knowledge, it was no big deal. And it isn't a case of being an ostrich with her head in the sand either. I have been down the river denial many times. I'm not even near that river right now. Sooooo........

Is there something off about me that makes me not really give a shit that my husband wears panties?

Am I odd because I am not in despair because he wears makeup?

Do I need help because I think there is more to laugh about than to cry about when it comes to my husband delightedly poring over women's clothes in the thrift store, with an almost glazed look of bliss on his face.

No, I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I just think that I really don't give a rat's ass what my husband is wearing. Same man......I still see him through the makeup and the wig. And if dressing makes him happy (or should I be using the femme pronoun at this point in my post?), her happy, then who is hurt by it?

Retail Therapy

I can always trust a shopping trip to bring me out of my doldrums. Yesterday started a little rough, but Barb and I had a talk, and it actually ended up being a good day. After our chat, we decided to do a little shopping.

Barb has been trying talk me out of my gorgeous Navy blue Asian style dress since I got it. One of the reasons for this trip, was to look for another dress like it, but in a different color. I had agreed that if we found another, Barb could have the blue. (It's more her color and not really mine). Well, in spite of not finding another....we found a cute long Asian tunic top but no dress... I went ahead and gave Barb the dress. I had to do something to get the Betch off my back!!!

We have to keep shopping, because my weight keeps dropping. Barb bought me a skirt in my favorite polka dots, and I never even got to wear it before I dropped out of that size. That is a good thing. But, it's getting a little pricey replacing my wardrobe every couple of weeks.

Secrets

Recently, someone posted that they keep their CD a secret from their wife because they don't want to "ruin" the relationship. I disagree with this wholeheartedly. My SO, however, felt this was perfectly reasonable.

Sorry, but when a man says some secrets are OK, it makes me wonder what secrets he his keeping.

I went back to work recently, leaving my SO with time on his hands. It was really hard for me to do this. It meant giving up control and accepting the fact that on his own, he could do "whatever". I have had to remind myself that:

A. it's not up to me to control his behavior.
B. I can't stop living life because he may do something that hurts me.
C. this has nothing to do with me.
D. and he can do "whatever", regardless of where I am.

I need to work on me. If he chooses to engage in "secret" behavior, he is only hurting himself. Well, it hurts me too. A lot. But, I can detach. I can ignore. I can divorce. I have options.

I have to wonder about the women he has involved himself with. Not in a jealous, "what does she have that I don't?" way. But rather, do they know he is married with 5 kids? And if they know, do they even give a damn? Do they think I know about his behavior and just don't care or mind. Does being on the internet make it easier to put yourself in the middle of a marriage without care for the pain it may cause?

I know that he is aware of how I feel. I am also aware that since this has nothing to do with me, how I feel is irrelevant to his behavior. He can feel remorse afterward, but, potential pain to me doesn't really figure into the equation when he acts out. He isn't trying to hurt me, that is just a byproduct of him hurting himself.

I have been reading online about women going through very similar things to what I have experienced. I find that I am a little short tempered because of all the pain I have read about. I am not taking my anger out on my SO. But I admit, it's there. Who the hell gave these men the right to hurt the women who love them? I can't help but feel that enough is enough. I am sick to death of this shit! How understanding am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to just keep forgiving eternally? Each time I forgive something, that I really didn't WANT to forgive, I feel as if I am betraying myself. And, screw his issues. He has hurt me, but he doesn't hurt me to hurt me. By hurting myself though, by betraying myself, I can only blame myself. How long can I keep betraying me?

I need to get myself in a better place emotionally. I guess it's just fear because I am out of the house. But even though I can acknowledge that on an intellectual level, my heart says....watch out for secrets.