Confusing the Issue

I'm dealing with a little personal issue right now. I have long felt that I am bisexual. I am very attracted to women, just as attracted as I am to men. But, other than a disturbing relationship in my youth (which I will explain later in this post), I have never had to opportunity to be intimate with another woman. Now, as a married women, it is not something that would be appropriate. So, while I acknowledge my feelings, I have never felt the need to act upon them.

When Barb first came out to me, it was hard for me to imagine a desire to be intimate with a man dressed in woman's clothing. However, as my acceptance grew, and as Barb spent more time with me en femme, I find I am very turned on by being with him as Barb. But.....is this enough?

I am currently struggling with a desire to explore my bisexuality. There are times when I really feel that it's important to try this. And then I have to wonder if I'm just feeling sexual and dwelling in the fantasy realm. Which is especially bad because of my long standing issues with my husband's active fantasy life and the actions he has taken to act on those fantasies.

Let me make this very clear. I do not intend to be unfaithful to my husband. I know that pain and will NOT do that to him. The fact that it's a woman I wish to be with rather than a man is irrelevant. Also, I am not a closeted Lesbian. From the time I lost my virginity at the age of 14, I have really enjoyed being with men. I have always been a very sexual person. There are too many aspects of intimacy with men that I desire to ever give that up. Especially with my husband who is my equal and partner in matters of intimacy. He is my soulmate, and we understand each others desires and needs completely. It's an incredible bond which I am fortunate to have with him.

I guess the first phase of this was my near-obsession as a small girl of six with my father's stack of pornography. I spent an inordinate amount of time looking through them in secret. I found the female form beautiful to look at. I was too young to be interested in a sexual way, but I found them fascinating to look at. And continued to, throughout my life.

Phase two began a few years later after my parents divorced, I had a stepsister who was very disturbed. I was eight, and she was roughly thirteen. We shared a bedroom, and also a bed. I can still remember every step she took to "seduce" me. It started with kindness. Gentle touching, that was confusing to me as a child. It felt good, but it seemed wrong. The touches became more intimate over time. And, eventually, it became painful and degrading. My stepsister convinced me that my mother would blame me for being bad, since I had enjoyed it at first. She used my fear to force me to gratify her. If I didn't do as she asked, she would be violent with me and in the end I would still be forced. Eventually, I gave up trying to deny her and just did as I was told. She only lived with us for a few months, but those months felt like years to me.

She came for a visit a year or so after she had moved back to her mother's. I avoided her, but on the last night of her visit, she came to my room. Once again, I gave in to her. This time, however, we got caught. My Hell had ended. But only the physical acts. I am still dealing with the repercussions of my childhood rape. It's only recently that I have used the word 'rape' to describe what happened. Actually, as I feel the tears running down my face, I realize that THIS is the first time I have actually called it a rape. (When I decided to blog my feelings on my same-sex attraction to put things in perspective.....this is decidedly not where I thought I would end up)

Regrouping.

I should probably stop here and deal with these newly exposed feelings, but I am going to press on.

Finally, during middle school and Jr high, I wasn't like the other girls. I was teased a lot. I didn't fit in. I was a tomboy loner. I sometimes felt that I was supposed to have been a boy, and something had gone wrong. It was only after the onset of puberty that I felt female and began to enjoy being a girl. I learned after high school that everyone had assumed I was a Lesbian. At that point, I had already found that I enjoyed men sexually. And, having been raised by a Gay man, I didn't have any feelings of Homophobia. But, I freaked out!!! The idea of being with a woman sexually (in spite of my attraction to women) was unacceptable. I think that it was a reaction to my childhood rape.

Thus, unlike some young women, I never experimented with another woman. Even recently, being with Barbara...whom I have been married to and sexual with for many years...brought back some of those feelings. But, by being intimate with Barbara, I have been in a position to deal with those issues, and I am putting them behind me. Unfortunately, feeling that I can be sexually attracted to women finally has put me in my current quandary.

Which brings me back to my issue. How to deal with my attraction to women.

I know that my husband and I could invite another woman to be with us. But, I have read so many things about this being dangerous. Someone could so easily get their feelings hurt. The resentment could erode our marriage. Or, we could find ourselves spiraling into a lifestyle that isn't healthy for either of us due to our own personal demons. I also worry that we may some day give in to the temptation. What then? Is it worth the possible risk to my marriage and my family?

When I found out about Barb, I was concerned that he might want to transition. It was a path that I wasn't prepared to take with him. Mainly because of our family and faith. I don't know that I am a big enough person to face the difficulties that we would encounter. I admit to being a coward. I was relieved to find that Barb wasn't interested in transitioning. But now....it's something I think about. Sometimes, fantasize about. I want the woman in bed with me to physically be a woman. But, I don't want to lose the man he is.

Where is the middle ground? Do I accept that my feelings and desires must remain unrequited? Logically this is the answer. You can't always have what you want. That's life. And what I have makes me happy. I don't need more, nor do I need to mess up what I have.

But.....for right now....the "what if??" is hanging over me like an irresistible lure.

No Time

I don't seem to post much here. But then, I just haven't felt that I have anything relevant to say about life as the wife of a crossdresser. Not to mention, I don't have much time.

I really feel that I need a "me" day. No kids. No work. No husband, dressed or otherwise. However, I know it isn't going to happen. Life happens.

Long Time no Post

I just haven't had anything good to say lately. Life happens. I am busy from morning till bedtime. I am hoping for a vacation soon.

Nothing new on the crossdressing scene. I am annoyed with my CD though. I kinda wish he would get in Barbara mode. Barbara doesn't seem to yell and lose her temper as much. I'd like her to come visit, but I promised my CD I would never tell him to put on some panties as a kind of physical Prozac. I have said it in jest, but I can't say it currently since it would so obviously NOT be in jest.