Glimpses

I've not posted much in this blog lately. Mostly because there has been nothing to post. I've seen glimpses of Barbara, but nothing significant. And there doesn't seem to be much point in posting on my "living with a crossdresser" blog if no crossdressing is happening.

Interesting to think that, as Barb cycles through phases of dressing and not dressing...I am cycled along with her.

Barbara

I haven't seen much of Barbara lately. She is avoiding shaving or waxing her legs until after taking the physical for a possible job. However, the company hasn't gotten back to her. So, she has been decidedly "drab" lately. I feel bad that she feels she can't do the simple grooming that I:

A. take for granted

B. complain about doing

and

C. would give up in a heartbeat if I could


Today, she is here. She has decided that it will be OK to go for the earth mother look. I'm glad. I have missed Barbara

Acceptance

Maybe acceptance means acknowledging that a person's weaknesses, flaws, and differences simply exist....rather than wasting time and energy in pretending the weaknesses, flaws and differences don't exist. Maybe time spent wishing our loved ones would change to suit us would be better spent in giving unconditional love.

I have spent a lot of time this weekend coming to terms with my own failings. I feel bad for the time I have wasted in fruitless wishing and hoping when I could have been living and loving. I spent so much time laying blame that I forgot about my own failings.

Acceptance doesn't mean condoning things that are wrong. It doesn't mean doing things we don't want to in a vain effort to try and fix things. It doesn't mean denying others, and ourselves, love when we don't get our way.

I am not proud of some of the things I have done. I may not like some of the things he has done, but that's ok. I need to accept that he isn't perfect. I need to rely on the one thing I can truly trust in our relationship. He loves me. Sometimes, he shuts down emotionally and the love isn't as easily apparent. But it's there. And maybe if I am a little more accepting and willing to love unconditionally, he can feel free and safe to do the same.

Where Did She Go?

The problem that comes up whenever I go shopping with Barbara, is that at some point the male persona rears his head and thus endeth the shopping trip. I usually happens when I have gone a little overboard on my purchases This leaves me wondering...."where did Barb go?"

Betch needs to quit abandoning me in the middle of a shopping trip!!!!

Crunches, Eating Right, and Nothing to Wear

I did some crunches last night. I will do some again tonight. Now that I have a handle on the weight, I need to start toning. I have done really well with eating a healthy diet. And then, I added some moderate exercise by getting a job that keeps me on my feet. Now, it's time to get serious. Especially after this morning.........

I went to my first shift at work in clothes that didn't fit. I couldn't find anything that fits. Because, I have completely bypassed a size 12 (crap.....the new pants I just bought were 12's), and I am now in a size 9/10!!!! That may not be a big deal to some, but in June, I was a size 20/22.

I hated the way I looked at felt then. And my self loathing led to more overeating (which is why I want to keep a handle on my self-esteem as well as my weight).

So....with less than 20 pounds to my goal (and maybe then some because that Bitch Barbara keeps alluding to the impossibility of my reaching size six as she has), I am going to get myself in shape.

Lord though, I HATE exercise for the sake of exercise. But, there is no other way to get rock hard abs. I'd rather just play soccer, but it doesn't quite fit the bill.

I plan on being the hottest mom in my suburban neighborhood.

Self Esteem

I have been feeling pretty good about myself lately. This is huge, because I have had low self esteem for most of my life. The weight loss helps. I am still not skinny, but I look pretty good. And, my health is what's really important. But, that begs the question.....

Why can't I feel good about myself consistently, regardless of my weight, clothes, hair, etc. ?

Why is self esteem such a difficult issue for so many women? Yes, I know....media, stereotypes, etc. However, why do we as women allow ourselves to fall into this trap? Why are we so fast to judge and belittle each other...and worse,ourselves?

Is it lack of support in the home? Is it really all about the media? Is it just something inherent in our psyches? Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.". I feel as if I have spent my life consenting to things I know aren't true. But, I continue to consent.

Sometimes, when my husband has been someplace inappropriate online, I go into a downward spiral. But....that is my choice. His actions don't change who I am. I think I have used that as an excuse to just stop caring. Today, I felt ENORMOUSLY triggered. I had to really struggle to get myself back in a healthy place. So what if he is acting out? Does that negate me as a person? Does that suddenly turn me into a hideous troll? No. And further, his issue is not my issue. My issue is enough of a struggle. I will not fall into old obsessions. I have made too much progress for that.

And so, I feel good about myself today. I can focus on myself today.

During my inner monologue while I was thinking about these issues today, I had an epiphany. I need to address the fact that my husband coming out to me as a CD did trigger an inner negative reaction. I need to acknowledge that one of my fears was, "am I so lacking and unattractive as a woman, that he feels the need to be one?". Now, six months later, I can own that feeling and admit that it was a ridiculous thing to think and feel.

But, isn't it amazing that my self esteem was so low, I was willing to go there?

I hope I am raising my daughters right. I hope that the love and acceptance they get at home helps them from falling into my traps. I pray that my issues haven't already impacted them to the point that they have to struggle as I have.

The Clothes are Mine!!

Losing weight has been a good thing. I am WAY down from where I was. 60 pounds lighter and still losing. When my BMI reached the healthy range, I was elated. And at this point, I am even better than healthy. I am HOT!!!! LOL!!!

The best part of today though, was not when everyone at church commented on my weight loss. It was when I went into the closet....tried on Barb's clothes....and they all fit! Hah!!!! She may still be thinner than me, but she doesn't have my curves.

Just wait until I am equally thin (or even thinner) and still have the curves. Take that Betch!!!!

Flickers at 2AM

So Barb has a new obsession. Blurfing has taken over our lives. I go to bed fairly early because I work early. But, I am finding it difficult to sleep with the flicker of the laptop lighting up the bedroom until the wee hours of the morning.

I guess there are worse obsessions........if I have to pick one to live with, this one isn't too bad.

I have come to terms (for now) with my bisexuality, childhood rape, and any of the many other things that I worry about. I'm in a pretty mellow place. I never know if that means I am feeling healthy, or if I have reached another one of those unhealthy "don't give a flying shit" places that I sometimes go to when I feel overwhelmed.

Dunno, feels like the healthy version though.

Confusing the Issue

I'm dealing with a little personal issue right now. I have long felt that I am bisexual. I am very attracted to women, just as attracted as I am to men. But, other than a disturbing relationship in my youth (which I will explain later in this post), I have never had to opportunity to be intimate with another woman. Now, as a married women, it is not something that would be appropriate. So, while I acknowledge my feelings, I have never felt the need to act upon them.

When Barb first came out to me, it was hard for me to imagine a desire to be intimate with a man dressed in woman's clothing. However, as my acceptance grew, and as Barb spent more time with me en femme, I find I am very turned on by being with him as Barb. But.....is this enough?

I am currently struggling with a desire to explore my bisexuality. There are times when I really feel that it's important to try this. And then I have to wonder if I'm just feeling sexual and dwelling in the fantasy realm. Which is especially bad because of my long standing issues with my husband's active fantasy life and the actions he has taken to act on those fantasies.

Let me make this very clear. I do not intend to be unfaithful to my husband. I know that pain and will NOT do that to him. The fact that it's a woman I wish to be with rather than a man is irrelevant. Also, I am not a closeted Lesbian. From the time I lost my virginity at the age of 14, I have really enjoyed being with men. I have always been a very sexual person. There are too many aspects of intimacy with men that I desire to ever give that up. Especially with my husband who is my equal and partner in matters of intimacy. He is my soulmate, and we understand each others desires and needs completely. It's an incredible bond which I am fortunate to have with him.

I guess the first phase of this was my near-obsession as a small girl of six with my father's stack of pornography. I spent an inordinate amount of time looking through them in secret. I found the female form beautiful to look at. I was too young to be interested in a sexual way, but I found them fascinating to look at. And continued to, throughout my life.

Phase two began a few years later after my parents divorced, I had a stepsister who was very disturbed. I was eight, and she was roughly thirteen. We shared a bedroom, and also a bed. I can still remember every step she took to "seduce" me. It started with kindness. Gentle touching, that was confusing to me as a child. It felt good, but it seemed wrong. The touches became more intimate over time. And, eventually, it became painful and degrading. My stepsister convinced me that my mother would blame me for being bad, since I had enjoyed it at first. She used my fear to force me to gratify her. If I didn't do as she asked, she would be violent with me and in the end I would still be forced. Eventually, I gave up trying to deny her and just did as I was told. She only lived with us for a few months, but those months felt like years to me.

She came for a visit a year or so after she had moved back to her mother's. I avoided her, but on the last night of her visit, she came to my room. Once again, I gave in to her. This time, however, we got caught. My Hell had ended. But only the physical acts. I am still dealing with the repercussions of my childhood rape. It's only recently that I have used the word 'rape' to describe what happened. Actually, as I feel the tears running down my face, I realize that THIS is the first time I have actually called it a rape. (When I decided to blog my feelings on my same-sex attraction to put things in perspective.....this is decidedly not where I thought I would end up)

Regrouping.

I should probably stop here and deal with these newly exposed feelings, but I am going to press on.

Finally, during middle school and Jr high, I wasn't like the other girls. I was teased a lot. I didn't fit in. I was a tomboy loner. I sometimes felt that I was supposed to have been a boy, and something had gone wrong. It was only after the onset of puberty that I felt female and began to enjoy being a girl. I learned after high school that everyone had assumed I was a Lesbian. At that point, I had already found that I enjoyed men sexually. And, having been raised by a Gay man, I didn't have any feelings of Homophobia. But, I freaked out!!! The idea of being with a woman sexually (in spite of my attraction to women) was unacceptable. I think that it was a reaction to my childhood rape.

Thus, unlike some young women, I never experimented with another woman. Even recently, being with Barbara...whom I have been married to and sexual with for many years...brought back some of those feelings. But, by being intimate with Barbara, I have been in a position to deal with those issues, and I am putting them behind me. Unfortunately, feeling that I can be sexually attracted to women finally has put me in my current quandary.

Which brings me back to my issue. How to deal with my attraction to women.

I know that my husband and I could invite another woman to be with us. But, I have read so many things about this being dangerous. Someone could so easily get their feelings hurt. The resentment could erode our marriage. Or, we could find ourselves spiraling into a lifestyle that isn't healthy for either of us due to our own personal demons. I also worry that we may some day give in to the temptation. What then? Is it worth the possible risk to my marriage and my family?

When I found out about Barb, I was concerned that he might want to transition. It was a path that I wasn't prepared to take with him. Mainly because of our family and faith. I don't know that I am a big enough person to face the difficulties that we would encounter. I admit to being a coward. I was relieved to find that Barb wasn't interested in transitioning. But now....it's something I think about. Sometimes, fantasize about. I want the woman in bed with me to physically be a woman. But, I don't want to lose the man he is.

Where is the middle ground? Do I accept that my feelings and desires must remain unrequited? Logically this is the answer. You can't always have what you want. That's life. And what I have makes me happy. I don't need more, nor do I need to mess up what I have.

But.....for right now....the "what if??" is hanging over me like an irresistible lure.

No Time

I don't seem to post much here. But then, I just haven't felt that I have anything relevant to say about life as the wife of a crossdresser. Not to mention, I don't have much time.

I really feel that I need a "me" day. No kids. No work. No husband, dressed or otherwise. However, I know it isn't going to happen. Life happens.

Long Time no Post

I just haven't had anything good to say lately. Life happens. I am busy from morning till bedtime. I am hoping for a vacation soon.

Nothing new on the crossdressing scene. I am annoyed with my CD though. I kinda wish he would get in Barbara mode. Barbara doesn't seem to yell and lose her temper as much. I'd like her to come visit, but I promised my CD I would never tell him to put on some panties as a kind of physical Prozac. I have said it in jest, but I can't say it currently since it would so obviously NOT be in jest.

And They Say Women are Moody

Dh has been cranky all day. I asked him to put on some panties. He didn't. It wasn't until he was asleep that I remembered....today is Sunday. Traditionally, he gets cranky on Sunday. The kids used to count on it. Not sure if that is a bad thing or a good thing. They expect Dad to be irritable on a certain day. Which can either make them feel insecure on that day, waiting for a blowup. Or, when a blowup occurs, do they just chalk it up to Sunday crankiness and forget about it?

Not that there was a blowup today. Just general moodiness. I know there are stresses, and so I try not to get angry in return. But, by the time he went to sleep, my patience was stretched thin. He wanted to share something from the CD forum, and I could not have been less interested. CD'ng wasn't the issue, the CD'r was.

eh.

Just that. eh. Sometimes, one just feels....eh.

So, Why is it Different for Me?

I'm not sure why it is that crossdressing doesn't really bother me. I read about others who struggle with their SO's dressing. But, I don't feel as if there is any struggle. At least not for me. There was an initial shock, when I first found out. I freaked a little. But then I read about it online, and once I had more knowledge, it was no big deal. And it isn't a case of being an ostrich with her head in the sand either. I have been down the river denial many times. I'm not even near that river right now. Sooooo........

Is there something off about me that makes me not really give a shit that my husband wears panties?

Am I odd because I am not in despair because he wears makeup?

Do I need help because I think there is more to laugh about than to cry about when it comes to my husband delightedly poring over women's clothes in the thrift store, with an almost glazed look of bliss on his face.

No, I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I just think that I really don't give a rat's ass what my husband is wearing. Same man......I still see him through the makeup and the wig. And if dressing makes him happy (or should I be using the femme pronoun at this point in my post?), her happy, then who is hurt by it?

Retail Therapy

I can always trust a shopping trip to bring me out of my doldrums. Yesterday started a little rough, but Barb and I had a talk, and it actually ended up being a good day. After our chat, we decided to do a little shopping.

Barb has been trying talk me out of my gorgeous Navy blue Asian style dress since I got it. One of the reasons for this trip, was to look for another dress like it, but in a different color. I had agreed that if we found another, Barb could have the blue. (It's more her color and not really mine). Well, in spite of not finding another....we found a cute long Asian tunic top but no dress... I went ahead and gave Barb the dress. I had to do something to get the Betch off my back!!!

We have to keep shopping, because my weight keeps dropping. Barb bought me a skirt in my favorite polka dots, and I never even got to wear it before I dropped out of that size. That is a good thing. But, it's getting a little pricey replacing my wardrobe every couple of weeks.

Secrets

Recently, someone posted that they keep their CD a secret from their wife because they don't want to "ruin" the relationship. I disagree with this wholeheartedly. My SO, however, felt this was perfectly reasonable.

Sorry, but when a man says some secrets are OK, it makes me wonder what secrets he his keeping.

I went back to work recently, leaving my SO with time on his hands. It was really hard for me to do this. It meant giving up control and accepting the fact that on his own, he could do "whatever". I have had to remind myself that:

A. it's not up to me to control his behavior.
B. I can't stop living life because he may do something that hurts me.
C. this has nothing to do with me.
D. and he can do "whatever", regardless of where I am.

I need to work on me. If he chooses to engage in "secret" behavior, he is only hurting himself. Well, it hurts me too. A lot. But, I can detach. I can ignore. I can divorce. I have options.

I have to wonder about the women he has involved himself with. Not in a jealous, "what does she have that I don't?" way. But rather, do they know he is married with 5 kids? And if they know, do they even give a damn? Do they think I know about his behavior and just don't care or mind. Does being on the internet make it easier to put yourself in the middle of a marriage without care for the pain it may cause?

I know that he is aware of how I feel. I am also aware that since this has nothing to do with me, how I feel is irrelevant to his behavior. He can feel remorse afterward, but, potential pain to me doesn't really figure into the equation when he acts out. He isn't trying to hurt me, that is just a byproduct of him hurting himself.

I have been reading online about women going through very similar things to what I have experienced. I find that I am a little short tempered because of all the pain I have read about. I am not taking my anger out on my SO. But I admit, it's there. Who the hell gave these men the right to hurt the women who love them? I can't help but feel that enough is enough. I am sick to death of this shit! How understanding am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to just keep forgiving eternally? Each time I forgive something, that I really didn't WANT to forgive, I feel as if I am betraying myself. And, screw his issues. He has hurt me, but he doesn't hurt me to hurt me. By hurting myself though, by betraying myself, I can only blame myself. How long can I keep betraying me?

I need to get myself in a better place emotionally. I guess it's just fear because I am out of the house. But even though I can acknowledge that on an intellectual level, my heart says....watch out for secrets.

Weighty Matters

I am getting thinner. And I feel better about myself. It's sad that my self-esteem is tied to my weight, but it is. I have some issues from childhood that have laid the groundwork for my appearance linked esteem. I'm working on it.

On the plus side though, I feel and am healthier. I've lost 35 lbs in just over 2 months. I have about 40 lbs to go. I am aiming for 130, but only because I think it is unreasonable to expect to get back down to 114.

On the minus side.......as Barb and I get closer in size, it's going to be hard to keep our wardrobes separate. She has offered to share, but I feel strongly that it is important to keep our clothes separate. If we occasionally share, after asking, I think that is OK. But, I don't want to have an open closet policy. I have lived with girls before, and know firsthand the irritation that can come from wanting to wear something, only to find it on someone else. Better to just avoid that altogether.

Shoes

So, Barb has really revived my love of shoes. I used to get a kick out of going to work on 4 inch stillettos with a short black spandex skirt and a long red jacket. Then, due to lugging around baby after baby after baby, I started wearing leather sandals and thongs!!! Yikes!! Not too sexy. So, I once again have a closet full of "do-me-shoes". And it's fun. I can even go to church dressed as modestly as possible while looking like a cheap whore from the ankles down LOL!!

Waxing

So, how many women out there can say that they have been asked to wax their husband's legs? Back....sure, lots of women do. But legs? Today, mine asked me to wax his legs.

Now, this really isn't a big deal, except that I am not an experienced waxer. I don't wax myself, preferring an old fashioned shave. Jerking my hairs out by the root is such a painful experience for me, that it just isn't worth it.

I tried desperately to work with that noxious purple goo. It got everywhere. My hands were sticky. I even managed to get some in my own hair. (head, not elsewhere). But, we managed to get through with 1 leg smooth. I just couldn't do the other. And the baby was crying by the time we were done, and needed some attention.

The best part.....as a thank you, my hubbie went out and bought a new set of linens and comforter for our bed. Not a bad trade-off. (Hubbie points out it was not a thank you so much as an apology for all of the noxious purple goo on the old bed linens)

There appear to be benefits to having a crossdressing husband

The Sick as a Dog Method to Better Mental Health

When one is ill, and running outrageously high fevers, one really doesn't have the energy to obsess about another's behavior.

That said, I was very appreciative when my SO stayed in the bedroom to work the other night. And it was an inconvenience for him. He sat on a chair in the bathroom so that he had some light to view papers by, while not waking me up. I felt bad that he did that. But I was also grateful that he would make the effort to keep out of harm's way for himself, and to be sensitive to my feelings.

It's things like this that remind me of the deep love I feel for my husband.

This Makes no Sense

Why is it, that I can do Barb's makeup better than I can do my own?

And why is it, that I the GG, look like crap in makeup. And my CD looks good?

And why oh why, does Barb have longer fuller eyelashes than I do.

The Bitch!

Feeling pretty good these days. I have just accepted the fact that, on some issues, we will just never truly be able to understand how each other thinks and feels. Accepting that is important. Acknowledging my spouse's needs, in spite of the fact that I can't understand, is also important. That's what I am working on right now.

Finding Peace

Working on myself is helping. I haven't been obsessing. Well, not as much anyway. I am feeling better and more hopeful. I am feeling again. That's a good thing. Because there are some good, happy, hopeful feelings in me after all.

I am not beating myself up anymore.

I am not looking for and waiting for "shoes".

I am accepting myself and my SO as we are.

I am finally finding some of the peace I was seeking.

For Today

I am going to try to not obsess.

I am going to try to be happy.

I am going to stop feeling like an idiot for accepting lies.

I am going to trust myself.

Just Getting Worse

Ok, realistically, I have to address the fact that these feelings aren't going away. If anything, they are getting worse. It is not all in my head. There is another shoe out there.

The Other Shoe

I used to joke with my SO about his propensity for dropping shoes. He would make a little confession, to see how the larger confession was going to go. Whenever I would hear the little one, I waited in agony for the bigger one I knew was coming. Right now, I can't shake the feeling that there is a bigger shoe out there.

I asked and was told that all was well. But, I can't trust that. I feel bad that my SO may actually be doing well and deserve credit. But, I just can't get past my mistrust. That little voice keeps saying:

"He has another ID and is using it."

"He's talking to women via IM/Yahoo/etc."

"He's hiding things"

How does one do it? How do I protect myself? How do I get past the anger and mistrust? I remember, years ago, wondering if I would ever get past the pain. And I did. But it took so long. I don't know if I have the patience to wait. I want to have the patience. I want to make the effort. I hope that wanting is the first step.

I need to redraw boundaries. There just doesn't seem to be any point. I never follow through with my consequences. I am such an enabler. I feel like such a loser. How fucking pathetic am I? Always a reason to forgive. Always a reason to try again. I can't help feeling that a smarter, stronger, braver person would have walked. Which only makes me feel like crap.

I don't think the meds are working. I just keep going further under. Maybe I need to raise the dosage???

Today is particularly bad. I am assuming it is because I let myself down by not going to group last night. I am still in my nightgown, with my butt on the bed, because I just don't have the energy (emotionally) to do ANYTHING!

It rained today. Rain always picks me up. And it did. For a short time.

So many times this week, I would think to myself, "get in the car. leave". Of course I wouldn't. But the feeling is there. And it is strong. I need some ME time. I rarely have totally me time with a baby in my arms 24/7.

I feel like a basket case. I am a basket case.

Was it Deliberate??? Or Just an Oversight?

It's Tuesday night. I promised myself that I would go to a meeting. It's now too late to go. I didn't even think about it. Or did I put it out of my mind? And is it any wonder that I am feeling triggered right now?

I'm isolating myself. I need to get out. I need to contact friends. I am just hiding in my room, letting the world go on without me. Part of it is depression. Part is the codependency. I need to get back into life.

Feeling Some Peace

Usually, the sound of typing on the computer while I am sleeping, sets me off. Computer usage in the wee hours = acting out. Last night, when I normally would have felt triggered, I did not. There may have been something happening. There may not have been anything happening. It doesn't matter. I didn't rise to the codependent call.

It's a small victory. But a victory nonetheless.

blah

I'm in a blah place right now. Just blah.

My feelings don't seem to be in evidence. I'm numb, but I'm not sure why. I have a lot on my mind though. Working through things. Trying to put stuff behind me, but sometimes it's not easy. A lot of anger simmering. I know it's there. Every so often, I feel it try to come through. But I keep stuffing it. I know that is not good, but I also know that giving it free rein won't do anyone any good. It serves no purpose. So, I am trying to get past it.

I guess the numbness is because I am stuffing anger. I must be stuffing all.

Panic Sex

I was sleeping with the baby today. Very peaceful. Very nice. Then I woke up with a choking feeling of panic. One of the worst panic attacks I have ever felt. And afterward, when my SO came into the room. I had an overwhelming need to be sexual.

What the Hell brought that on?

A Littler Better Today

This day has been better. I wouldn't call it great, but it is better. Acceptance of oneself is a good thing.

I painted Barb's nails today. Funny how a simple thing like that can bring a feeling of intimacy. And intimacy without "intimacy" ie:sex, is important for me right now. I need to find ways where I can feel connected to Barbara, regardless of where she is emotionally or mentally at the time. I need to break down some of the walls that I have built. I was hardly even aware of their existence until now.

That makes me feel bad. How much of the withdrawal from our relationship did I blame him for, when it was actually me withdrawing? If I am honest with myself, and I am trying to be, then I need to acknowledge responsibility for at least half of it. Basically, I was shooting myself in the foot. How can I demand intimacy, and get hurt when not receiving it, when I cannot be intimate myself?

There is something I will need to make amends for.

Even thinking about this is hard. I can feel the fear. It's like a cold fist around my heart. What a stupid expression......but that is EXACTLY how it feels.

OK, I made my apology, for what that was worth. Now....to act upon that. How can I bring more intimacy into my life? And no, not the sexual kind. The emotional kind. That is my new goal. Find ways to be intimate.

I feel better.

Actions, Not Words

This is my current slogan. Look to actions and behaviors. Don't rely on words. So that is what I am trying to do. Unfortunately, what do I do when actions are hidden? Then I have to rely on my instinct. I have learned over the years that I am right when my instincts say so. I have to ask myself also, when I feel that something is going on, do I really need to know more? I hate not knowing. But that is a destructive feeling. And I don't feel better if I know. So why look? I know my instincts are dead-on. And if I know that logically, then why do I feel the need to probe further? I need to learn to trust myself on a deeper level.

Again with that word.....trust. It takes so long to get that back. And I really hate that unsettled feeling I get when I don't trust. The panic attacks. The frenzied, frantic, what do I do now? feeling.

When I started this blog, in it's original inception, I think I was reacting as a codependent. Then, when I reworked this, by deleting the original, I assumed it would be a place to share/vent/explore my feelings about Barbara's crossdressing. But, it seems to be turning into the place I journal my feelings about codependency. I guess I need to do some "me" work right now. I am going to start going to meetings again.

And I have to stop worrying about the future. I need to focus on today. What am I willing to do/believe/let slide/ignore/change/ for today. Harder than it sounds.

Trust and Pain

I have trust issues. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I don't trust people. I always expect the worst. Why is that?

I don't trust my SO. And I feel really bad about that. My lack of trust is not unreasonable. There are reasons that I don't trust him. I don't feel bad about that part. But it feels as if I should trust. I chose to stay in this marriage knowing that my pain was likely to be revisited. So, if I chose to say, then I should choose to trust. Right? But I can't. And that hurts. This paragraph makes no sense, but this is exactly the kind of confusion and torment going on in my head right now. I don't know up from down. I am a mess.

Sometimes, I feel the pain welling up in me, almost suffocating me.

Where do I go from here? How do I get past this?

I know that it takes time. There were times in the past when I thought I would never get past this. But I did. The problem is, I get passed it.......and then it happens again. And I am right back to square one. Maybe that is what is terrifying me now. The unknown what-if that lies in wait for me. A month from now. A year from now. I don't know. I just sit here, in agonizing suspense.

The easiest way to keep the pain from coming back is to leave. My boundaries have been crossed. By staying after that, I just negate any boundaries leaving the field wide open for anything. But I can't do it. I have tried. I have tried so hard. Am I so codependent that I can't leave, or is it love that keeps me here?

I hope it's love. I feel love. I am just afraid.

Momma Never Warned Me

My mother made certain, that I was raised to be open minded. No aspect of religion, sexuality, race, creed, etc., was left unturned. She was a prostitute who was very openly sexual. The human body and sex were things I was familiar and comfortable with from an early age. We had friends in the Gay and Lesbian community who were part of our lives, including Mom's roommate, therefore so-called "alternative" lifestyles weren't so much alternative to me as much as just "normal". My father is, I believe, an undiagnosed sex addict, and mother never censored herself when discussing his behaviors. They divorced when I was very young. Mother's anger still surfaces from time to time despite her claims otherwise. By the time I reached adulthood, I felt secure that there was no "kink" the man I chose to marry could throw my way that I hadn't been prepared for.

After fifteen years of marriage, I learned I was wrong.

While snooping for "evidence" of indiscretions on his computer (a co-dependent behavior of which I am not proud) I came across what seemed to be evidence that he was having an affair with one Barbara Talbot. I finished typing and printing a divorce packet. Further snooping revealed an entirely different scenario. Barbara Talbot was my husband. He was a crossdresser. This, my mother did not prepare me for. This was the one thing I never saw coming.

So, this blog is for me to vent. To do self therapy. To share. On all of the facets of my life, which somewhere along the way left the suburbs and entered the surreal.