Trust and Pain

I have trust issues. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I don't trust people. I always expect the worst. Why is that?

I don't trust my SO. And I feel really bad about that. My lack of trust is not unreasonable. There are reasons that I don't trust him. I don't feel bad about that part. But it feels as if I should trust. I chose to stay in this marriage knowing that my pain was likely to be revisited. So, if I chose to say, then I should choose to trust. Right? But I can't. And that hurts. This paragraph makes no sense, but this is exactly the kind of confusion and torment going on in my head right now. I don't know up from down. I am a mess.

Sometimes, I feel the pain welling up in me, almost suffocating me.

Where do I go from here? How do I get past this?

I know that it takes time. There were times in the past when I thought I would never get past this. But I did. The problem is, I get passed it.......and then it happens again. And I am right back to square one. Maybe that is what is terrifying me now. The unknown what-if that lies in wait for me. A month from now. A year from now. I don't know. I just sit here, in agonizing suspense.

The easiest way to keep the pain from coming back is to leave. My boundaries have been crossed. By staying after that, I just negate any boundaries leaving the field wide open for anything. But I can't do it. I have tried. I have tried so hard. Am I so codependent that I can't leave, or is it love that keeps me here?

I hope it's love. I feel love. I am just afraid.