A Littler Better Today

This day has been better. I wouldn't call it great, but it is better. Acceptance of oneself is a good thing.

I painted Barb's nails today. Funny how a simple thing like that can bring a feeling of intimacy. And intimacy without "intimacy" ie:sex, is important for me right now. I need to find ways where I can feel connected to Barbara, regardless of where she is emotionally or mentally at the time. I need to break down some of the walls that I have built. I was hardly even aware of their existence until now.

That makes me feel bad. How much of the withdrawal from our relationship did I blame him for, when it was actually me withdrawing? If I am honest with myself, and I am trying to be, then I need to acknowledge responsibility for at least half of it. Basically, I was shooting myself in the foot. How can I demand intimacy, and get hurt when not receiving it, when I cannot be intimate myself?

There is something I will need to make amends for.

Even thinking about this is hard. I can feel the fear. It's like a cold fist around my heart. What a stupid expression......but that is EXACTLY how it feels.

OK, I made my apology, for what that was worth. Now....to act upon that. How can I bring more intimacy into my life? And no, not the sexual kind. The emotional kind. That is my new goal. Find ways to be intimate.

I feel better.