The Other Shoe

I used to joke with my SO about his propensity for dropping shoes. He would make a little confession, to see how the larger confession was going to go. Whenever I would hear the little one, I waited in agony for the bigger one I knew was coming. Right now, I can't shake the feeling that there is a bigger shoe out there.

I asked and was told that all was well. But, I can't trust that. I feel bad that my SO may actually be doing well and deserve credit. But, I just can't get past my mistrust. That little voice keeps saying:

"He has another ID and is using it."

"He's talking to women via IM/Yahoo/etc."

"He's hiding things"

How does one do it? How do I protect myself? How do I get past the anger and mistrust? I remember, years ago, wondering if I would ever get past the pain. And I did. But it took so long. I don't know if I have the patience to wait. I want to have the patience. I want to make the effort. I hope that wanting is the first step.

I need to redraw boundaries. There just doesn't seem to be any point. I never follow through with my consequences. I am such an enabler. I feel like such a loser. How fucking pathetic am I? Always a reason to forgive. Always a reason to try again. I can't help feeling that a smarter, stronger, braver person would have walked. Which only makes me feel like crap.

I don't think the meds are working. I just keep going further under. Maybe I need to raise the dosage???

Today is particularly bad. I am assuming it is because I let myself down by not going to group last night. I am still in my nightgown, with my butt on the bed, because I just don't have the energy (emotionally) to do ANYTHING!

It rained today. Rain always picks me up. And it did. For a short time.

So many times this week, I would think to myself, "get in the car. leave". Of course I wouldn't. But the feeling is there. And it is strong. I need some ME time. I rarely have totally me time with a baby in my arms 24/7.

I feel like a basket case. I am a basket case.