This is my current slogan. Look to actions and behaviors. Don't rely on words. So that is what I am trying to do. Unfortunately, what do I do when actions are hidden? Then I have to rely on my instinct. I have learned over the years that I am right when my instincts say so. I have to ask myself also, when I feel that something is going on, do I really need to know more? I hate not knowing. But that is a destructive feeling. And I don't feel better if I know. So why look? I know my instincts are dead-on. And if I know that logically, then why do I feel the need to probe further? I need to learn to trust myself on a deeper level.
Again with that word.....trust. It takes so long to get that back. And I really hate that unsettled feeling I get when I don't trust. The panic attacks. The frenzied, frantic, what do I do now? feeling.
When I started this blog, in it's original inception, I think I was reacting as a codependent. Then, when I reworked this, by deleting the original, I assumed it would be a place to share/vent/explore my feelings about Barbara's crossdressing. But, it seems to be turning into the place I journal my feelings about codependency. I guess I need to do some "me" work right now. I am going to start going to meetings again.
And I have to stop worrying about the future. I need to focus on today. What am I willing to do/believe/let slide/ignore/change/ for today. Harder than it sounds.
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