Finding Peace

Working on myself is helping. I haven't been obsessing. Well, not as much anyway. I am feeling better and more hopeful. I am feeling again. That's a good thing. Because there are some good, happy, hopeful feelings in me after all.

I am not beating myself up anymore.

I am not looking for and waiting for "shoes".

I am accepting myself and my SO as we are.

I am finally finding some of the peace I was seeking.

For Today

I am going to try to not obsess.

I am going to try to be happy.

I am going to stop feeling like an idiot for accepting lies.

I am going to trust myself.

Just Getting Worse

Ok, realistically, I have to address the fact that these feelings aren't going away. If anything, they are getting worse. It is not all in my head. There is another shoe out there.

The Other Shoe

I used to joke with my SO about his propensity for dropping shoes. He would make a little confession, to see how the larger confession was going to go. Whenever I would hear the little one, I waited in agony for the bigger one I knew was coming. Right now, I can't shake the feeling that there is a bigger shoe out there.

I asked and was told that all was well. But, I can't trust that. I feel bad that my SO may actually be doing well and deserve credit. But, I just can't get past my mistrust. That little voice keeps saying:

"He has another ID and is using it."

"He's talking to women via IM/Yahoo/etc."

"He's hiding things"

How does one do it? How do I protect myself? How do I get past the anger and mistrust? I remember, years ago, wondering if I would ever get past the pain. And I did. But it took so long. I don't know if I have the patience to wait. I want to have the patience. I want to make the effort. I hope that wanting is the first step.

I need to redraw boundaries. There just doesn't seem to be any point. I never follow through with my consequences. I am such an enabler. I feel like such a loser. How fucking pathetic am I? Always a reason to forgive. Always a reason to try again. I can't help feeling that a smarter, stronger, braver person would have walked. Which only makes me feel like crap.

I don't think the meds are working. I just keep going further under. Maybe I need to raise the dosage???

Today is particularly bad. I am assuming it is because I let myself down by not going to group last night. I am still in my nightgown, with my butt on the bed, because I just don't have the energy (emotionally) to do ANYTHING!

It rained today. Rain always picks me up. And it did. For a short time.

So many times this week, I would think to myself, "get in the car. leave". Of course I wouldn't. But the feeling is there. And it is strong. I need some ME time. I rarely have totally me time with a baby in my arms 24/7.

I feel like a basket case. I am a basket case.

Was it Deliberate??? Or Just an Oversight?

It's Tuesday night. I promised myself that I would go to a meeting. It's now too late to go. I didn't even think about it. Or did I put it out of my mind? And is it any wonder that I am feeling triggered right now?

I'm isolating myself. I need to get out. I need to contact friends. I am just hiding in my room, letting the world go on without me. Part of it is depression. Part is the codependency. I need to get back into life.

Feeling Some Peace

Usually, the sound of typing on the computer while I am sleeping, sets me off. Computer usage in the wee hours = acting out. Last night, when I normally would have felt triggered, I did not. There may have been something happening. There may not have been anything happening. It doesn't matter. I didn't rise to the codependent call.

It's a small victory. But a victory nonetheless.

blah

I'm in a blah place right now. Just blah.

My feelings don't seem to be in evidence. I'm numb, but I'm not sure why. I have a lot on my mind though. Working through things. Trying to put stuff behind me, but sometimes it's not easy. A lot of anger simmering. I know it's there. Every so often, I feel it try to come through. But I keep stuffing it. I know that is not good, but I also know that giving it free rein won't do anyone any good. It serves no purpose. So, I am trying to get past it.

I guess the numbness is because I am stuffing anger. I must be stuffing all.

Panic Sex

I was sleeping with the baby today. Very peaceful. Very nice. Then I woke up with a choking feeling of panic. One of the worst panic attacks I have ever felt. And afterward, when my SO came into the room. I had an overwhelming need to be sexual.

What the Hell brought that on?

A Littler Better Today

This day has been better. I wouldn't call it great, but it is better. Acceptance of oneself is a good thing.

I painted Barb's nails today. Funny how a simple thing like that can bring a feeling of intimacy. And intimacy without "intimacy" ie:sex, is important for me right now. I need to find ways where I can feel connected to Barbara, regardless of where she is emotionally or mentally at the time. I need to break down some of the walls that I have built. I was hardly even aware of their existence until now.

That makes me feel bad. How much of the withdrawal from our relationship did I blame him for, when it was actually me withdrawing? If I am honest with myself, and I am trying to be, then I need to acknowledge responsibility for at least half of it. Basically, I was shooting myself in the foot. How can I demand intimacy, and get hurt when not receiving it, when I cannot be intimate myself?

There is something I will need to make amends for.

Even thinking about this is hard. I can feel the fear. It's like a cold fist around my heart. What a stupid expression......but that is EXACTLY how it feels.

OK, I made my apology, for what that was worth. Now....to act upon that. How can I bring more intimacy into my life? And no, not the sexual kind. The emotional kind. That is my new goal. Find ways to be intimate.

I feel better.

Actions, Not Words

This is my current slogan. Look to actions and behaviors. Don't rely on words. So that is what I am trying to do. Unfortunately, what do I do when actions are hidden? Then I have to rely on my instinct. I have learned over the years that I am right when my instincts say so. I have to ask myself also, when I feel that something is going on, do I really need to know more? I hate not knowing. But that is a destructive feeling. And I don't feel better if I know. So why look? I know my instincts are dead-on. And if I know that logically, then why do I feel the need to probe further? I need to learn to trust myself on a deeper level.

Again with that word.....trust. It takes so long to get that back. And I really hate that unsettled feeling I get when I don't trust. The panic attacks. The frenzied, frantic, what do I do now? feeling.

When I started this blog, in it's original inception, I think I was reacting as a codependent. Then, when I reworked this, by deleting the original, I assumed it would be a place to share/vent/explore my feelings about Barbara's crossdressing. But, it seems to be turning into the place I journal my feelings about codependency. I guess I need to do some "me" work right now. I am going to start going to meetings again.

And I have to stop worrying about the future. I need to focus on today. What am I willing to do/believe/let slide/ignore/change/ for today. Harder than it sounds.

Trust and Pain

I have trust issues. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I don't trust people. I always expect the worst. Why is that?

I don't trust my SO. And I feel really bad about that. My lack of trust is not unreasonable. There are reasons that I don't trust him. I don't feel bad about that part. But it feels as if I should trust. I chose to stay in this marriage knowing that my pain was likely to be revisited. So, if I chose to say, then I should choose to trust. Right? But I can't. And that hurts. This paragraph makes no sense, but this is exactly the kind of confusion and torment going on in my head right now. I don't know up from down. I am a mess.

Sometimes, I feel the pain welling up in me, almost suffocating me.

Where do I go from here? How do I get past this?

I know that it takes time. There were times in the past when I thought I would never get past this. But I did. The problem is, I get passed it.......and then it happens again. And I am right back to square one. Maybe that is what is terrifying me now. The unknown what-if that lies in wait for me. A month from now. A year from now. I don't know. I just sit here, in agonizing suspense.

The easiest way to keep the pain from coming back is to leave. My boundaries have been crossed. By staying after that, I just negate any boundaries leaving the field wide open for anything. But I can't do it. I have tried. I have tried so hard. Am I so codependent that I can't leave, or is it love that keeps me here?

I hope it's love. I feel love. I am just afraid.

Momma Never Warned Me

My mother made certain, that I was raised to be open minded. No aspect of religion, sexuality, race, creed, etc., was left unturned. She was a prostitute who was very openly sexual. The human body and sex were things I was familiar and comfortable with from an early age. We had friends in the Gay and Lesbian community who were part of our lives, including Mom's roommate, therefore so-called "alternative" lifestyles weren't so much alternative to me as much as just "normal". My father is, I believe, an undiagnosed sex addict, and mother never censored herself when discussing his behaviors. They divorced when I was very young. Mother's anger still surfaces from time to time despite her claims otherwise. By the time I reached adulthood, I felt secure that there was no "kink" the man I chose to marry could throw my way that I hadn't been prepared for.

After fifteen years of marriage, I learned I was wrong.

While snooping for "evidence" of indiscretions on his computer (a co-dependent behavior of which I am not proud) I came across what seemed to be evidence that he was having an affair with one Barbara Talbot. I finished typing and printing a divorce packet. Further snooping revealed an entirely different scenario. Barbara Talbot was my husband. He was a crossdresser. This, my mother did not prepare me for. This was the one thing I never saw coming.

So, this blog is for me to vent. To do self therapy. To share. On all of the facets of my life, which somewhere along the way left the suburbs and entered the surreal.