Weighty Matters

I am getting thinner. And I feel better about myself. It's sad that my self-esteem is tied to my weight, but it is. I have some issues from childhood that have laid the groundwork for my appearance linked esteem. I'm working on it.

On the plus side though, I feel and am healthier. I've lost 35 lbs in just over 2 months. I have about 40 lbs to go. I am aiming for 130, but only because I think it is unreasonable to expect to get back down to 114.

On the minus side.......as Barb and I get closer in size, it's going to be hard to keep our wardrobes separate. She has offered to share, but I feel strongly that it is important to keep our clothes separate. If we occasionally share, after asking, I think that is OK. But, I don't want to have an open closet policy. I have lived with girls before, and know firsthand the irritation that can come from wanting to wear something, only to find it on someone else. Better to just avoid that altogether.

Shoes

So, Barb has really revived my love of shoes. I used to get a kick out of going to work on 4 inch stillettos with a short black spandex skirt and a long red jacket. Then, due to lugging around baby after baby after baby, I started wearing leather sandals and thongs!!! Yikes!! Not too sexy. So, I once again have a closet full of "do-me-shoes". And it's fun. I can even go to church dressed as modestly as possible while looking like a cheap whore from the ankles down LOL!!

Waxing

So, how many women out there can say that they have been asked to wax their husband's legs? Back....sure, lots of women do. But legs? Today, mine asked me to wax his legs.

Now, this really isn't a big deal, except that I am not an experienced waxer. I don't wax myself, preferring an old fashioned shave. Jerking my hairs out by the root is such a painful experience for me, that it just isn't worth it.

I tried desperately to work with that noxious purple goo. It got everywhere. My hands were sticky. I even managed to get some in my own hair. (head, not elsewhere). But, we managed to get through with 1 leg smooth. I just couldn't do the other. And the baby was crying by the time we were done, and needed some attention.

The best part.....as a thank you, my hubbie went out and bought a new set of linens and comforter for our bed. Not a bad trade-off. (Hubbie points out it was not a thank you so much as an apology for all of the noxious purple goo on the old bed linens)

There appear to be benefits to having a crossdressing husband

The Sick as a Dog Method to Better Mental Health

When one is ill, and running outrageously high fevers, one really doesn't have the energy to obsess about another's behavior.

That said, I was very appreciative when my SO stayed in the bedroom to work the other night. And it was an inconvenience for him. He sat on a chair in the bathroom so that he had some light to view papers by, while not waking me up. I felt bad that he did that. But I was also grateful that he would make the effort to keep out of harm's way for himself, and to be sensitive to my feelings.

It's things like this that remind me of the deep love I feel for my husband.

This Makes no Sense

Why is it, that I can do Barb's makeup better than I can do my own?

And why is it, that I the GG, look like crap in makeup. And my CD looks good?

And why oh why, does Barb have longer fuller eyelashes than I do.

The Bitch!

Feeling pretty good these days. I have just accepted the fact that, on some issues, we will just never truly be able to understand how each other thinks and feels. Accepting that is important. Acknowledging my spouse's needs, in spite of the fact that I can't understand, is also important. That's what I am working on right now.

Finding Peace

Working on myself is helping. I haven't been obsessing. Well, not as much anyway. I am feeling better and more hopeful. I am feeling again. That's a good thing. Because there are some good, happy, hopeful feelings in me after all.

I am not beating myself up anymore.

I am not looking for and waiting for "shoes".

I am accepting myself and my SO as we are.

I am finally finding some of the peace I was seeking.

For Today

I am going to try to not obsess.

I am going to try to be happy.

I am going to stop feeling like an idiot for accepting lies.

I am going to trust myself.

Just Getting Worse

Ok, realistically, I have to address the fact that these feelings aren't going away. If anything, they are getting worse. It is not all in my head. There is another shoe out there.

The Other Shoe

I used to joke with my SO about his propensity for dropping shoes. He would make a little confession, to see how the larger confession was going to go. Whenever I would hear the little one, I waited in agony for the bigger one I knew was coming. Right now, I can't shake the feeling that there is a bigger shoe out there.

I asked and was told that all was well. But, I can't trust that. I feel bad that my SO may actually be doing well and deserve credit. But, I just can't get past my mistrust. That little voice keeps saying:

"He has another ID and is using it."

"He's talking to women via IM/Yahoo/etc."

"He's hiding things"

How does one do it? How do I protect myself? How do I get past the anger and mistrust? I remember, years ago, wondering if I would ever get past the pain. And I did. But it took so long. I don't know if I have the patience to wait. I want to have the patience. I want to make the effort. I hope that wanting is the first step.

I need to redraw boundaries. There just doesn't seem to be any point. I never follow through with my consequences. I am such an enabler. I feel like such a loser. How fucking pathetic am I? Always a reason to forgive. Always a reason to try again. I can't help feeling that a smarter, stronger, braver person would have walked. Which only makes me feel like crap.

I don't think the meds are working. I just keep going further under. Maybe I need to raise the dosage???

Today is particularly bad. I am assuming it is because I let myself down by not going to group last night. I am still in my nightgown, with my butt on the bed, because I just don't have the energy (emotionally) to do ANYTHING!

It rained today. Rain always picks me up. And it did. For a short time.

So many times this week, I would think to myself, "get in the car. leave". Of course I wouldn't. But the feeling is there. And it is strong. I need some ME time. I rarely have totally me time with a baby in my arms 24/7.

I feel like a basket case. I am a basket case.

Was it Deliberate??? Or Just an Oversight?

It's Tuesday night. I promised myself that I would go to a meeting. It's now too late to go. I didn't even think about it. Or did I put it out of my mind? And is it any wonder that I am feeling triggered right now?

I'm isolating myself. I need to get out. I need to contact friends. I am just hiding in my room, letting the world go on without me. Part of it is depression. Part is the codependency. I need to get back into life.