Confusing the Issue

I'm dealing with a little personal issue right now. I have long felt that I am bisexual. I am very attracted to women, just as attracted as I am to men. But, other than a disturbing relationship in my youth (which I will explain later in this post), I have never had to opportunity to be intimate with another woman. Now, as a married women, it is not something that would be appropriate. So, while I acknowledge my feelings, I have never felt the need to act upon them.

When Barb first came out to me, it was hard for me to imagine a desire to be intimate with a man dressed in woman's clothing. However, as my acceptance grew, and as Barb spent more time with me en femme, I find I am very turned on by being with him as Barb. But.....is this enough?

I am currently struggling with a desire to explore my bisexuality. There are times when I really feel that it's important to try this. And then I have to wonder if I'm just feeling sexual and dwelling in the fantasy realm. Which is especially bad because of my long standing issues with my husband's active fantasy life and the actions he has taken to act on those fantasies.

Let me make this very clear. I do not intend to be unfaithful to my husband. I know that pain and will NOT do that to him. The fact that it's a woman I wish to be with rather than a man is irrelevant. Also, I am not a closeted Lesbian. From the time I lost my virginity at the age of 14, I have really enjoyed being with men. I have always been a very sexual person. There are too many aspects of intimacy with men that I desire to ever give that up. Especially with my husband who is my equal and partner in matters of intimacy. He is my soulmate, and we understand each others desires and needs completely. It's an incredible bond which I am fortunate to have with him.

I guess the first phase of this was my near-obsession as a small girl of six with my father's stack of pornography. I spent an inordinate amount of time looking through them in secret. I found the female form beautiful to look at. I was too young to be interested in a sexual way, but I found them fascinating to look at. And continued to, throughout my life.

Phase two began a few years later after my parents divorced, I had a stepsister who was very disturbed. I was eight, and she was roughly thirteen. We shared a bedroom, and also a bed. I can still remember every step she took to "seduce" me. It started with kindness. Gentle touching, that was confusing to me as a child. It felt good, but it seemed wrong. The touches became more intimate over time. And, eventually, it became painful and degrading. My stepsister convinced me that my mother would blame me for being bad, since I had enjoyed it at first. She used my fear to force me to gratify her. If I didn't do as she asked, she would be violent with me and in the end I would still be forced. Eventually, I gave up trying to deny her and just did as I was told. She only lived with us for a few months, but those months felt like years to me.

She came for a visit a year or so after she had moved back to her mother's. I avoided her, but on the last night of her visit, she came to my room. Once again, I gave in to her. This time, however, we got caught. My Hell had ended. But only the physical acts. I am still dealing with the repercussions of my childhood rape. It's only recently that I have used the word 'rape' to describe what happened. Actually, as I feel the tears running down my face, I realize that THIS is the first time I have actually called it a rape. (When I decided to blog my feelings on my same-sex attraction to put things in perspective.....this is decidedly not where I thought I would end up)

Regrouping.

I should probably stop here and deal with these newly exposed feelings, but I am going to press on.

Finally, during middle school and Jr high, I wasn't like the other girls. I was teased a lot. I didn't fit in. I was a tomboy loner. I sometimes felt that I was supposed to have been a boy, and something had gone wrong. It was only after the onset of puberty that I felt female and began to enjoy being a girl. I learned after high school that everyone had assumed I was a Lesbian. At that point, I had already found that I enjoyed men sexually. And, having been raised by a Gay man, I didn't have any feelings of Homophobia. But, I freaked out!!! The idea of being with a woman sexually (in spite of my attraction to women) was unacceptable. I think that it was a reaction to my childhood rape.

Thus, unlike some young women, I never experimented with another woman. Even recently, being with Barbara...whom I have been married to and sexual with for many years...brought back some of those feelings. But, by being intimate with Barbara, I have been in a position to deal with those issues, and I am putting them behind me. Unfortunately, feeling that I can be sexually attracted to women finally has put me in my current quandary.

Which brings me back to my issue. How to deal with my attraction to women.

I know that my husband and I could invite another woman to be with us. But, I have read so many things about this being dangerous. Someone could so easily get their feelings hurt. The resentment could erode our marriage. Or, we could find ourselves spiraling into a lifestyle that isn't healthy for either of us due to our own personal demons. I also worry that we may some day give in to the temptation. What then? Is it worth the possible risk to my marriage and my family?

When I found out about Barb, I was concerned that he might want to transition. It was a path that I wasn't prepared to take with him. Mainly because of our family and faith. I don't know that I am a big enough person to face the difficulties that we would encounter. I admit to being a coward. I was relieved to find that Barb wasn't interested in transitioning. But now....it's something I think about. Sometimes, fantasize about. I want the woman in bed with me to physically be a woman. But, I don't want to lose the man he is.

Where is the middle ground? Do I accept that my feelings and desires must remain unrequited? Logically this is the answer. You can't always have what you want. That's life. And what I have makes me happy. I don't need more, nor do I need to mess up what I have.

But.....for right now....the "what if??" is hanging over me like an irresistible lure.

No Time

I don't seem to post much here. But then, I just haven't felt that I have anything relevant to say about life as the wife of a crossdresser. Not to mention, I don't have much time.

I really feel that I need a "me" day. No kids. No work. No husband, dressed or otherwise. However, I know it isn't going to happen. Life happens.

Long Time no Post

I just haven't had anything good to say lately. Life happens. I am busy from morning till bedtime. I am hoping for a vacation soon.

Nothing new on the crossdressing scene. I am annoyed with my CD though. I kinda wish he would get in Barbara mode. Barbara doesn't seem to yell and lose her temper as much. I'd like her to come visit, but I promised my CD I would never tell him to put on some panties as a kind of physical Prozac. I have said it in jest, but I can't say it currently since it would so obviously NOT be in jest.

And They Say Women are Moody

Dh has been cranky all day. I asked him to put on some panties. He didn't. It wasn't until he was asleep that I remembered....today is Sunday. Traditionally, he gets cranky on Sunday. The kids used to count on it. Not sure if that is a bad thing or a good thing. They expect Dad to be irritable on a certain day. Which can either make them feel insecure on that day, waiting for a blowup. Or, when a blowup occurs, do they just chalk it up to Sunday crankiness and forget about it?

Not that there was a blowup today. Just general moodiness. I know there are stresses, and so I try not to get angry in return. But, by the time he went to sleep, my patience was stretched thin. He wanted to share something from the CD forum, and I could not have been less interested. CD'ng wasn't the issue, the CD'r was.

eh.

Just that. eh. Sometimes, one just feels....eh.

So, Why is it Different for Me?

I'm not sure why it is that crossdressing doesn't really bother me. I read about others who struggle with their SO's dressing. But, I don't feel as if there is any struggle. At least not for me. There was an initial shock, when I first found out. I freaked a little. But then I read about it online, and once I had more knowledge, it was no big deal. And it isn't a case of being an ostrich with her head in the sand either. I have been down the river denial many times. I'm not even near that river right now. Sooooo........

Is there something off about me that makes me not really give a shit that my husband wears panties?

Am I odd because I am not in despair because he wears makeup?

Do I need help because I think there is more to laugh about than to cry about when it comes to my husband delightedly poring over women's clothes in the thrift store, with an almost glazed look of bliss on his face.

No, I don't think there is anything wrong with me. I just think that I really don't give a rat's ass what my husband is wearing. Same man......I still see him through the makeup and the wig. And if dressing makes him happy (or should I be using the femme pronoun at this point in my post?), her happy, then who is hurt by it?

Retail Therapy

I can always trust a shopping trip to bring me out of my doldrums. Yesterday started a little rough, but Barb and I had a talk, and it actually ended up being a good day. After our chat, we decided to do a little shopping.

Barb has been trying talk me out of my gorgeous Navy blue Asian style dress since I got it. One of the reasons for this trip, was to look for another dress like it, but in a different color. I had agreed that if we found another, Barb could have the blue. (It's more her color and not really mine). Well, in spite of not finding another....we found a cute long Asian tunic top but no dress... I went ahead and gave Barb the dress. I had to do something to get the Betch off my back!!!

We have to keep shopping, because my weight keeps dropping. Barb bought me a skirt in my favorite polka dots, and I never even got to wear it before I dropped out of that size. That is a good thing. But, it's getting a little pricey replacing my wardrobe every couple of weeks.

Secrets

Recently, someone posted that they keep their CD a secret from their wife because they don't want to "ruin" the relationship. I disagree with this wholeheartedly. My SO, however, felt this was perfectly reasonable.

Sorry, but when a man says some secrets are OK, it makes me wonder what secrets he his keeping.

I went back to work recently, leaving my SO with time on his hands. It was really hard for me to do this. It meant giving up control and accepting the fact that on his own, he could do "whatever". I have had to remind myself that:

A. it's not up to me to control his behavior.
B. I can't stop living life because he may do something that hurts me.
C. this has nothing to do with me.
D. and he can do "whatever", regardless of where I am.

I need to work on me. If he chooses to engage in "secret" behavior, he is only hurting himself. Well, it hurts me too. A lot. But, I can detach. I can ignore. I can divorce. I have options.

I have to wonder about the women he has involved himself with. Not in a jealous, "what does she have that I don't?" way. But rather, do they know he is married with 5 kids? And if they know, do they even give a damn? Do they think I know about his behavior and just don't care or mind. Does being on the internet make it easier to put yourself in the middle of a marriage without care for the pain it may cause?

I know that he is aware of how I feel. I am also aware that since this has nothing to do with me, how I feel is irrelevant to his behavior. He can feel remorse afterward, but, potential pain to me doesn't really figure into the equation when he acts out. He isn't trying to hurt me, that is just a byproduct of him hurting himself.

I have been reading online about women going through very similar things to what I have experienced. I find that I am a little short tempered because of all the pain I have read about. I am not taking my anger out on my SO. But I admit, it's there. Who the hell gave these men the right to hurt the women who love them? I can't help but feel that enough is enough. I am sick to death of this shit! How understanding am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to just keep forgiving eternally? Each time I forgive something, that I really didn't WANT to forgive, I feel as if I am betraying myself. And, screw his issues. He has hurt me, but he doesn't hurt me to hurt me. By hurting myself though, by betraying myself, I can only blame myself. How long can I keep betraying me?

I need to get myself in a better place emotionally. I guess it's just fear because I am out of the house. But even though I can acknowledge that on an intellectual level, my heart says....watch out for secrets.

Weighty Matters

I am getting thinner. And I feel better about myself. It's sad that my self-esteem is tied to my weight, but it is. I have some issues from childhood that have laid the groundwork for my appearance linked esteem. I'm working on it.

On the plus side though, I feel and am healthier. I've lost 35 lbs in just over 2 months. I have about 40 lbs to go. I am aiming for 130, but only because I think it is unreasonable to expect to get back down to 114.

On the minus side.......as Barb and I get closer in size, it's going to be hard to keep our wardrobes separate. She has offered to share, but I feel strongly that it is important to keep our clothes separate. If we occasionally share, after asking, I think that is OK. But, I don't want to have an open closet policy. I have lived with girls before, and know firsthand the irritation that can come from wanting to wear something, only to find it on someone else. Better to just avoid that altogether.

Shoes

So, Barb has really revived my love of shoes. I used to get a kick out of going to work on 4 inch stillettos with a short black spandex skirt and a long red jacket. Then, due to lugging around baby after baby after baby, I started wearing leather sandals and thongs!!! Yikes!! Not too sexy. So, I once again have a closet full of "do-me-shoes". And it's fun. I can even go to church dressed as modestly as possible while looking like a cheap whore from the ankles down LOL!!