Secrets

Recently, someone posted that they keep their CD a secret from their wife because they don't want to "ruin" the relationship. I disagree with this wholeheartedly. My SO, however, felt this was perfectly reasonable.

Sorry, but when a man says some secrets are OK, it makes me wonder what secrets he his keeping.

I went back to work recently, leaving my SO with time on his hands. It was really hard for me to do this. It meant giving up control and accepting the fact that on his own, he could do "whatever". I have had to remind myself that:

A. it's not up to me to control his behavior.
B. I can't stop living life because he may do something that hurts me.
C. this has nothing to do with me.
D. and he can do "whatever", regardless of where I am.

I need to work on me. If he chooses to engage in "secret" behavior, he is only hurting himself. Well, it hurts me too. A lot. But, I can detach. I can ignore. I can divorce. I have options.

I have to wonder about the women he has involved himself with. Not in a jealous, "what does she have that I don't?" way. But rather, do they know he is married with 5 kids? And if they know, do they even give a damn? Do they think I know about his behavior and just don't care or mind. Does being on the internet make it easier to put yourself in the middle of a marriage without care for the pain it may cause?

I know that he is aware of how I feel. I am also aware that since this has nothing to do with me, how I feel is irrelevant to his behavior. He can feel remorse afterward, but, potential pain to me doesn't really figure into the equation when he acts out. He isn't trying to hurt me, that is just a byproduct of him hurting himself.

I have been reading online about women going through very similar things to what I have experienced. I find that I am a little short tempered because of all the pain I have read about. I am not taking my anger out on my SO. But I admit, it's there. Who the hell gave these men the right to hurt the women who love them? I can't help but feel that enough is enough. I am sick to death of this shit! How understanding am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to just keep forgiving eternally? Each time I forgive something, that I really didn't WANT to forgive, I feel as if I am betraying myself. And, screw his issues. He has hurt me, but he doesn't hurt me to hurt me. By hurting myself though, by betraying myself, I can only blame myself. How long can I keep betraying me?

I need to get myself in a better place emotionally. I guess it's just fear because I am out of the house. But even though I can acknowledge that on an intellectual level, my heart says....watch out for secrets.