Glimpses

I've not posted much in this blog lately. Mostly because there has been nothing to post. I've seen glimpses of Barbara, but nothing significant. And there doesn't seem to be much point in posting on my "living with a crossdresser" blog if no crossdressing is happening.

Interesting to think that, as Barb cycles through phases of dressing and not dressing...I am cycled along with her.

Barbara

I haven't seen much of Barbara lately. She is avoiding shaving or waxing her legs until after taking the physical for a possible job. However, the company hasn't gotten back to her. So, she has been decidedly "drab" lately. I feel bad that she feels she can't do the simple grooming that I:

A. take for granted

B. complain about doing

and

C. would give up in a heartbeat if I could


Today, she is here. She has decided that it will be OK to go for the earth mother look. I'm glad. I have missed Barbara

Acceptance

Maybe acceptance means acknowledging that a person's weaknesses, flaws, and differences simply exist....rather than wasting time and energy in pretending the weaknesses, flaws and differences don't exist. Maybe time spent wishing our loved ones would change to suit us would be better spent in giving unconditional love.

I have spent a lot of time this weekend coming to terms with my own failings. I feel bad for the time I have wasted in fruitless wishing and hoping when I could have been living and loving. I spent so much time laying blame that I forgot about my own failings.

Acceptance doesn't mean condoning things that are wrong. It doesn't mean doing things we don't want to in a vain effort to try and fix things. It doesn't mean denying others, and ourselves, love when we don't get our way.

I am not proud of some of the things I have done. I may not like some of the things he has done, but that's ok. I need to accept that he isn't perfect. I need to rely on the one thing I can truly trust in our relationship. He loves me. Sometimes, he shuts down emotionally and the love isn't as easily apparent. But it's there. And maybe if I am a little more accepting and willing to love unconditionally, he can feel free and safe to do the same.

Where Did She Go?

The problem that comes up whenever I go shopping with Barbara, is that at some point the male persona rears his head and thus endeth the shopping trip. I usually happens when I have gone a little overboard on my purchases This leaves me wondering...."where did Barb go?"

Betch needs to quit abandoning me in the middle of a shopping trip!!!!

Crunches, Eating Right, and Nothing to Wear

I did some crunches last night. I will do some again tonight. Now that I have a handle on the weight, I need to start toning. I have done really well with eating a healthy diet. And then, I added some moderate exercise by getting a job that keeps me on my feet. Now, it's time to get serious. Especially after this morning.........

I went to my first shift at work in clothes that didn't fit. I couldn't find anything that fits. Because, I have completely bypassed a size 12 (crap.....the new pants I just bought were 12's), and I am now in a size 9/10!!!! That may not be a big deal to some, but in June, I was a size 20/22.

I hated the way I looked at felt then. And my self loathing led to more overeating (which is why I want to keep a handle on my self-esteem as well as my weight).

So....with less than 20 pounds to my goal (and maybe then some because that Bitch Barbara keeps alluding to the impossibility of my reaching size six as she has), I am going to get myself in shape.

Lord though, I HATE exercise for the sake of exercise. But, there is no other way to get rock hard abs. I'd rather just play soccer, but it doesn't quite fit the bill.

I plan on being the hottest mom in my suburban neighborhood.

Self Esteem

I have been feeling pretty good about myself lately. This is huge, because I have had low self esteem for most of my life. The weight loss helps. I am still not skinny, but I look pretty good. And, my health is what's really important. But, that begs the question.....

Why can't I feel good about myself consistently, regardless of my weight, clothes, hair, etc. ?

Why is self esteem such a difficult issue for so many women? Yes, I know....media, stereotypes, etc. However, why do we as women allow ourselves to fall into this trap? Why are we so fast to judge and belittle each other...and worse,ourselves?

Is it lack of support in the home? Is it really all about the media? Is it just something inherent in our psyches? Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.". I feel as if I have spent my life consenting to things I know aren't true. But, I continue to consent.

Sometimes, when my husband has been someplace inappropriate online, I go into a downward spiral. But....that is my choice. His actions don't change who I am. I think I have used that as an excuse to just stop caring. Today, I felt ENORMOUSLY triggered. I had to really struggle to get myself back in a healthy place. So what if he is acting out? Does that negate me as a person? Does that suddenly turn me into a hideous troll? No. And further, his issue is not my issue. My issue is enough of a struggle. I will not fall into old obsessions. I have made too much progress for that.

And so, I feel good about myself today. I can focus on myself today.

During my inner monologue while I was thinking about these issues today, I had an epiphany. I need to address the fact that my husband coming out to me as a CD did trigger an inner negative reaction. I need to acknowledge that one of my fears was, "am I so lacking and unattractive as a woman, that he feels the need to be one?". Now, six months later, I can own that feeling and admit that it was a ridiculous thing to think and feel.

But, isn't it amazing that my self esteem was so low, I was willing to go there?

I hope I am raising my daughters right. I hope that the love and acceptance they get at home helps them from falling into my traps. I pray that my issues haven't already impacted them to the point that they have to struggle as I have.

The Clothes are Mine!!

Losing weight has been a good thing. I am WAY down from where I was. 60 pounds lighter and still losing. When my BMI reached the healthy range, I was elated. And at this point, I am even better than healthy. I am HOT!!!! LOL!!!

The best part of today though, was not when everyone at church commented on my weight loss. It was when I went into the closet....tried on Barb's clothes....and they all fit! Hah!!!! She may still be thinner than me, but she doesn't have my curves.

Just wait until I am equally thin (or even thinner) and still have the curves. Take that Betch!!!!

Flickers at 2AM

So Barb has a new obsession. Blurfing has taken over our lives. I go to bed fairly early because I work early. But, I am finding it difficult to sleep with the flicker of the laptop lighting up the bedroom until the wee hours of the morning.

I guess there are worse obsessions........if I have to pick one to live with, this one isn't too bad.

I have come to terms (for now) with my bisexuality, childhood rape, and any of the many other things that I worry about. I'm in a pretty mellow place. I never know if that means I am feeling healthy, or if I have reached another one of those unhealthy "don't give a flying shit" places that I sometimes go to when I feel overwhelmed.

Dunno, feels like the healthy version though.

Confusing the Issue

I'm dealing with a little personal issue right now. I have long felt that I am bisexual. I am very attracted to women, just as attracted as I am to men. But, other than a disturbing relationship in my youth (which I will explain later in this post), I have never had to opportunity to be intimate with another woman. Now, as a married women, it is not something that would be appropriate. So, while I acknowledge my feelings, I have never felt the need to act upon them.

When Barb first came out to me, it was hard for me to imagine a desire to be intimate with a man dressed in woman's clothing. However, as my acceptance grew, and as Barb spent more time with me en femme, I find I am very turned on by being with him as Barb. But.....is this enough?

I am currently struggling with a desire to explore my bisexuality. There are times when I really feel that it's important to try this. And then I have to wonder if I'm just feeling sexual and dwelling in the fantasy realm. Which is especially bad because of my long standing issues with my husband's active fantasy life and the actions he has taken to act on those fantasies.

Let me make this very clear. I do not intend to be unfaithful to my husband. I know that pain and will NOT do that to him. The fact that it's a woman I wish to be with rather than a man is irrelevant. Also, I am not a closeted Lesbian. From the time I lost my virginity at the age of 14, I have really enjoyed being with men. I have always been a very sexual person. There are too many aspects of intimacy with men that I desire to ever give that up. Especially with my husband who is my equal and partner in matters of intimacy. He is my soulmate, and we understand each others desires and needs completely. It's an incredible bond which I am fortunate to have with him.

I guess the first phase of this was my near-obsession as a small girl of six with my father's stack of pornography. I spent an inordinate amount of time looking through them in secret. I found the female form beautiful to look at. I was too young to be interested in a sexual way, but I found them fascinating to look at. And continued to, throughout my life.

Phase two began a few years later after my parents divorced, I had a stepsister who was very disturbed. I was eight, and she was roughly thirteen. We shared a bedroom, and also a bed. I can still remember every step she took to "seduce" me. It started with kindness. Gentle touching, that was confusing to me as a child. It felt good, but it seemed wrong. The touches became more intimate over time. And, eventually, it became painful and degrading. My stepsister convinced me that my mother would blame me for being bad, since I had enjoyed it at first. She used my fear to force me to gratify her. If I didn't do as she asked, she would be violent with me and in the end I would still be forced. Eventually, I gave up trying to deny her and just did as I was told. She only lived with us for a few months, but those months felt like years to me.

She came for a visit a year or so after she had moved back to her mother's. I avoided her, but on the last night of her visit, she came to my room. Once again, I gave in to her. This time, however, we got caught. My Hell had ended. But only the physical acts. I am still dealing with the repercussions of my childhood rape. It's only recently that I have used the word 'rape' to describe what happened. Actually, as I feel the tears running down my face, I realize that THIS is the first time I have actually called it a rape. (When I decided to blog my feelings on my same-sex attraction to put things in perspective.....this is decidedly not where I thought I would end up)

Regrouping.

I should probably stop here and deal with these newly exposed feelings, but I am going to press on.

Finally, during middle school and Jr high, I wasn't like the other girls. I was teased a lot. I didn't fit in. I was a tomboy loner. I sometimes felt that I was supposed to have been a boy, and something had gone wrong. It was only after the onset of puberty that I felt female and began to enjoy being a girl. I learned after high school that everyone had assumed I was a Lesbian. At that point, I had already found that I enjoyed men sexually. And, having been raised by a Gay man, I didn't have any feelings of Homophobia. But, I freaked out!!! The idea of being with a woman sexually (in spite of my attraction to women) was unacceptable. I think that it was a reaction to my childhood rape.

Thus, unlike some young women, I never experimented with another woman. Even recently, being with Barbara...whom I have been married to and sexual with for many years...brought back some of those feelings. But, by being intimate with Barbara, I have been in a position to deal with those issues, and I am putting them behind me. Unfortunately, feeling that I can be sexually attracted to women finally has put me in my current quandary.

Which brings me back to my issue. How to deal with my attraction to women.

I know that my husband and I could invite another woman to be with us. But, I have read so many things about this being dangerous. Someone could so easily get their feelings hurt. The resentment could erode our marriage. Or, we could find ourselves spiraling into a lifestyle that isn't healthy for either of us due to our own personal demons. I also worry that we may some day give in to the temptation. What then? Is it worth the possible risk to my marriage and my family?

When I found out about Barb, I was concerned that he might want to transition. It was a path that I wasn't prepared to take with him. Mainly because of our family and faith. I don't know that I am a big enough person to face the difficulties that we would encounter. I admit to being a coward. I was relieved to find that Barb wasn't interested in transitioning. But now....it's something I think about. Sometimes, fantasize about. I want the woman in bed with me to physically be a woman. But, I don't want to lose the man he is.

Where is the middle ground? Do I accept that my feelings and desires must remain unrequited? Logically this is the answer. You can't always have what you want. That's life. And what I have makes me happy. I don't need more, nor do I need to mess up what I have.

But.....for right now....the "what if??" is hanging over me like an irresistible lure.

No Time

I don't seem to post much here. But then, I just haven't felt that I have anything relevant to say about life as the wife of a crossdresser. Not to mention, I don't have much time.

I really feel that I need a "me" day. No kids. No work. No husband, dressed or otherwise. However, I know it isn't going to happen. Life happens.